My 13-year-old daughter leaves...
My 13-year-old daughter leaves the house at 7:15 every morning and takes a smelly city bus to school way uptown. It's like 8 degrees out, and it's dark and she's got this morning face and I send her out there to take a bus. Meanwhile, my driver is sitting in a toasty Mercedes that's going to take me to work once both kids are gone. I could send her in the Mercedes and then have it come back to get me, but I can't have my kid doing that. I can't do that to her. Me? I earned that fЂ'ing Mercedes. You better fЂ'ing beli
I was talking to my friend and...
I was talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend was mad at him. I said, 'What happened?' He goes: 'Well, I guess I, uh... I guess I said something, and, uh... and then she got her feelings hurt.' That's a weird way to phrase it: 'She got her feelings hurt. I said something, and then she...' Could you more remove yourself from responsibility? 'She got her feelings hurt.' It's like saying, 'Yeah, I shot this guy in the face, and then I guess he got himself murdered. I don't know what happened. He leaned into it.'
People are too afraid of uptow...
People are too afraid of uptown. A lot of people will tell you, like, 'Don't go to Harlem. You can never go there. 'Cause as soon as you get there, they kill you.' That's what people think. As soon as you arrive in Harlem, someone just stabs you in the face right away. That's people's image of Harlem: just everyone standing around waiting for lost white people to kill all day. 'Did you see any? I didn't either.'
One time I was at a swimming p...
One time I was at a swimming pool with my kids, a public pool. I had my daughter, my six year old, on my arm like this. She was like clamped on, and she's kicking. ... And then she got off and another random child just clamped on. It's like a rat. 'Get off of me.' 'But I love you.' 'I don't know you, kid.'
I love being married. It's gre...
I love being married. It's great. But I hate arguing. I hate fighting. You know what I do now? When we get in an argument, I just take her side against me. It's just easier; it goes quicker. She's like, 'What's wrong with you?' And I'm like, 'I know! Damn it! Argh!'
You ever go to shop for tuna, ...
You ever go to shop for tuna, and it says 'dolphin safe', and you look at it and kind of go, 'Yeah, but'-like somehow you think it's not going to be as good? Like, 'I want to do the right thing-but it's probably kind of bland without the dolphin.'
If I found myself alone on pla...
If I found myself alone on planet Earth, no other humans, I would have sex with a monkey in like two minutes. Two minutes. That's really not long enough to be sure you're alone on the Earth, even. That's like... I walk outside, it's- there's not much traffic. 'Oh, my God, it's just me! I'm gonna have sex with a monkey right now. Oh, no-there's a person.'
For years, Blockbuster Video h...
For years, Blockbuster Video has edited movies. Like The Bad Lieutenant, when he's masturbating while the girls in the car are doing the thing. I rented it from Blockbuster and sped to that scene, and it was gone. I called up Blockbuster, and I'm like, 'I got an erection, and the scene's not there.'
Every year white people add 10...
Every year white people add 100 years to how long ago slavery was. I've heard educated white people say, 'slavery was 400 years ago.' No it very wasn't. It was 140 years ago...that's two 70-year-old ladies living and dying back to back. That's how recently you could buy a guy.
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