Joan Rivers ,quotes

Joan Rivers

Before we make love my husband...

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was, 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath'. For three years my husband and I slept on bunk beds.
I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.
It's so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom.
My best birth control now is to leave the lights on.

Joan Rivers 03.03.2018 03:03:03 360 quotes

Joan Rivers

My personal style is over-the-...

My personal style is over-the-top dowager. The old days they said get dressed and take one thing off, I say get dressed and put one thing on.

Joan Rivers 03.03.2018 03:03:03 360 quotes

Joan Rivers

I have no sex appeal and it ha...

I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life; my gynecologist examines me by telephone.

Joan Rivers 03.03.2018 03:03:03 360 quotes

Joan Rivers

My body is dropping so fast, m...

My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.

Joan Rivers 03.03.2018 03:03:03 360 quotes

Joan Rivers

Last night I asked my husband,...

Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'

Joan Rivers 03.03.2018 03:03:03 360 quotes

Joan Rivers

If you don't go to Broadway, y...

If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.

Joan Rivers 03.03.2018 03:03:03 360 quotes

Joan Rivers

I caused my husband's heart at...

I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.

Joan Rivers 03.03.2018 03:03:03 360 quotes

Joan Rivers

Happiness, at my age, is breat...

Happiness, at my age, is breathing

Joan Rivers 03.03.2018 03:03:03 360 quotes

Joan Rivers

Dogs are easier to love than p...

Dogs are easier to love than people; they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.

Joan Rivers 03.03.2018 03:03:03 360 quotes

Joan Rivers

Since I met him ten years ago ...

Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.

Joan Rivers 03.03.2018 03:03:03 360 quotes

Joan Rivers

If you're not a wreck in this ...

If you're not a wreck in this business, you're not around.

Joan Rivers 03.03.2018 03:03:03 360 quotes

Joan Rivers

Florida wants to change the st...

Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die.

Joan Rivers 03.03.2018 03:03:03 360 quotes

Joan Rivers

I'm going out with these old g...

I'm going out with these old guys. One guy gave me a hickey and left his teeth in my neck. Another man, we were having a perfectly lovely dinner; he looked up and me and went: You're not my wife! Another guy died during dinner. I had to go in his pocket to get the American Express card. Then you wonder: What would he tip? Another guy said: I want you to meet my family, and took me to the cemetery.

Joan Rivers 03.03.2018 03:03:03 360 quotes

Joan Rivers

Valentine's Day is different f...

Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.

Joan Rivers 03.03.2018 03:03:03 360 quotes

Joan Rivers

My boobs are so low I had to p...

My boobs are so low I had to put curb feelers on my nipples!

Joan Rivers 03.03.2018 03:03:03 360 quotes

Joan Rivers

My perfect last meal would be:...

My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.

Joan Rivers 03.03.2018 03:03:03 360 quotes

Joan Rivers

Sold my house in LA, packed my...

Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.

Joan Rivers 03.03.2018 03:03:03 360 quotes

Joan Rivers

Welcome to my world! I've been...

Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.

Joan Rivers 03.03.2018 03:03:03 360 quotes

Joan Rivers

I always like a charity with p...

I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.

Joan Rivers 03.03.2018 03:03:03 360 quotes

Joan Rivers

Because I'm the only performer...

Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.

Joan Rivers 03.03.2018 03:03:03 360 quotes

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