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Арабские красавицы на фестивале в Дубаи. ТОП-10Арабские красавицы на фестивале в Дубаи. ТОП-10 14 самых удивительных вертикальных садов мира14 самых удивительных вертикальных садов мира Крупнейшие радиационные аварии и катастрофы современностиКрупнейшие радиационные аварии и катастрофы современности
Jerry Seinfeld

What causes homophobia? What ...

What causes homophobia? What is it that makes the heterosexual man worry about this? I think it's because deep down all men know that we have weak sales resistance. We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right. Men think, 'Obviously I can be talked into anything. What if I accidentally wander into some sort of homosexual store thinking it's a shoe store and the salesmen says, 'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around a little bit, see how it feels. No obligation, no pressure, just try it.'

Jerry Seinfeld 313 quotes
Jerry Seinfeld

Let's examine the dog mind: E...

Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. "He's back again! It's that guy! It's that guy!"

Jerry Seinfeld 313 quotes
Jerry Seinfeld

The greatest Jewish tradition...

The greatest Jewish tradition is to laugh. The cornerstone of Jewish survival has always been to find humor in life and in ourselves.

Jerry Seinfeld 313 quotes
Jerry Seinfeld

The hardest thing in comedy i...

The hardest thing in comedy is to have the biggest laugh at the end, and it’s the most satisfying thing.

Jerry Seinfeld 313 quotes
Jerry Seinfeld

The toughest nights when I wa...

The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. "This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?"

Jerry Seinfeld 313 quotes
Jerry Seinfeld

With any kind of physical tes...

With any kind of physical test, I don't know what it is, I always seem to get competitive. Remember when you were in school and they'd do those hearing tests? And you'd really be listening hard, you know? I wanted to do unbelievable on the hearing test. I wanted them to come over to me after and go, 'We think you may have something close to super-hearing. What you heard was a cotton ball touching a piece of felt. We're sending the results to Washington, we'd like you to meet the President.'

Jerry Seinfeld 313 quotes
Jerry Seinfeld

We got the hot fudge on the b...

We got the hot fudge on the bottom.... that allows you to control the fudge distribution while you're eating your ice cream.

Jerry Seinfeld 313 quotes
Jerry Seinfeld

People on dates shouldn't eve...

People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.

Jerry Seinfeld 313 quotes
Jerry Seinfeld

Everybody lies about sex. Peo...

Everybody lies about sex. People lie during sex. If it weren't for lies, there'd be no sex.

Jerry Seinfeld 313 quotes
Jerry Seinfeld

A dog will stay stupid. That'...

A dog will stay stupid. That's why we love them so much. The entire time we know them, they're idiots. Think of your dog. Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He has no idea how you accomplish this every day. You walk in the door; the joy of this experience overwhelms him. He looks at you, He's back. It's that guy, that same guy. He can't believe it. Everything is amazing to your dog. Another can of food? I don't believe it.

Jerry Seinfeld 313 quotes
Jerry Seinfeld

I know there are kids out the...

I know there are kids out there, I want to make sure they all know that driving without braking is not something I recommend, unless you have professional clown training or a comedy background, as I do. It is not something I plan to make a habit.

Jerry Seinfeld 313 quotes
Jerry Seinfeld

Why is McDonalds still counti...

Why is McDonalds still counting? How insecure is this company? 40 million, 80 billion million jillion killion tillion... who cares? Is anyone really impressed by that any more? Ooh, 89 billion sold? All right, I'll have one! I'm satisfied! I'd like to tell the CEO of McDonalds, "Look. We all get it, okay? You've sold a lot of hamburgers. Whatever the number is, just put up a sign, 'McDonalds: We're Doing Very Well.' We are tired of hearing about every goddamn one of them."

Jerry Seinfeld 313 quotes
Jerry Seinfeld

You know what I never get wit...

You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.

Jerry Seinfeld 313 quotes
Jerry Seinfeld

Why is it when you turn on th...

Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?

Jerry Seinfeld 313 quotes
Jerry Seinfeld

Why does that pharmacist have...

Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy? "Clear out, everybody. I'm working with pills up here. I'm taking them from this big bottle and then I'm gonna put them in the little bottle. That's my whole job. I can't be down on the floor with you people."

Jerry Seinfeld 313 quotes
Jerry Seinfeld

This is really a crazy idea, ...

This is really a crazy idea, you know. It probably won't work, but that will be interesting, too. You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive. Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.

Jerry Seinfeld 313 quotes
Jerry Seinfeld

The best piece of advice I re...

The best piece of advice I received before I got married was, "Be careful what you say when you're in a fight, because it could stick in someone's head." I don't think I've ever said anything I really regretted. I'm very sympathetic to women. I've really studied wife-ology, and I know you've got to figure out the feelings. Deal with the feelings.

Jerry Seinfeld 313 quotes
Jerry Seinfeld

So let me get this straight. ...

So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an ?clair in the receptacle... and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."

Jerry Seinfeld 313 quotes
Jerry Seinfeld

I had a parakeet that used to...

I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there.

Jerry Seinfeld 313 quotes
Jerry Seinfeld

There are many things you can...

There are many things you can point to as proof that the human is not smart. But my personal favorite would have to be that we needed to invent the helmet. What was happening, apparently, was that we were involved in a lot of activities that were cracking our heads. We chose not to avoid doing those activities but, instead, to come up with some sort of device to help us enjoy our head-cracking lifestyles.

Jerry Seinfeld 313 quotes

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