Emo Philips ,quotes

For some reason, religious jok...

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

I caught my wife in bed with m...

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

The only work I ever turned do...

The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement.

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

Recently, I've ventured into t...

Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

I'm totally normal in every re...

I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

If you're worth over $50m you ...

If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

Writer's block is a myth. I ne...

Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

I don't really hang out with p...

I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

Back in high school, my buddie...

Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, Why limit yourselves?

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

You know, a lot of girls go ou...

You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...damn anthropologists.

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

The other day a woman came up ...

The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

My grandmother's brain was dea...

My grandmother's brain was dead, but her heart was still beating. It was the first time we ever had a democrat in the family.

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

The IRS sent back my tax retur...

The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

A friend of mine gave me a Phi...

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

People come up to me and say, ...

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

The battle of the sexes will n...

The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

I was feeling a bit down, I we...

I was feeling a bit down, I went to a therapist a few times, at a hundred bucks a pop. But then I realized that no therapy session would ever cheer me up half as much as if I was just strolling along and found a hundred dollar bill.

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

Anger punishes the bearer's he...

Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

I tried body surfing once, but...

I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy...

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid...and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

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