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Арабские красавицы на фестивале в Дубаи. ТОП-10Арабские красавицы на фестивале в Дубаи. ТОП-10 14 самых удивительных вертикальных садов мира14 самых удивительных вертикальных садов мира Крупнейшие радиационные аварии и катастрофы современностиКрупнейшие радиационные аварии и катастрофы современности
Emo Philips

New York's such a wonderful c...

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

Lord please break the laws of...

Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

I try not to talk during the ...

I try not to talk during the day when I have a show that night. My voice is my instrument, just like a saxophonist's instrument is his saxophone, plus also his voice, if he's the one between tunes that makes announcements.

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

I was walking home one night ...

I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

I don't really hang out with p...

I don't really hang out with people. I like to be by myself. In fact, I've been arrested a few times because I like to walk around at two or three in the morning, looking at shop windows. The cops take me to the station and fingerprint me. But I wouldn't call that hanging out.

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

Writer's block is a myth. I ne...

Writer's block is a myth. I never see the gardeners suffering from gardening block.

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

If you're worth over $50m you ...

If you're worth over $50m you should have to dress like that guy on the Monopoly box. The super-rich shouldn't get all the benefits of looking like a regular guy.

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

I'm totally normal in every re...

I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.'

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

Recently, I've ventured into t...

Recently, I've ventured into the mammal family - so that's good for my sex life.

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

The only work I ever turned do...

The only work I ever turned down was a cable programme called Diving for Excrement.

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

I caught my wife in bed with m...

I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

For some reason, religious jok...

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

Santa Fe is fun to visit, but ...

Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo.

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

When deciding between two comp...

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

Writing jokes for others is li...

Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It's sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

Not everybody hates me. Only t...

Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me.

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

I learned about sex the hard w...

I learned about sex the hard way... from books.

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

I don't have to tell you folks...

I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

I thought I was raptured up in...

I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding.

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

I think of people as members o...

I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It's an organism on its own. I focus on that living hydra in the dark.

Emo Philips 240 quotes

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