David Letterman ,quotes

Everybody was upset that Vladi...

Everybody was upset that Vladimir Putin was missing. He was in Switzerland with his girlfriend. She had a baby in Switzerland because in Russia childbirth is not covered by Putin-care.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

St. Patrick's Day is the fourt...

St. Patrick's Day is the fourth biggest drinking day in America. It's not the biggest. It's right behind New Year's Eve, Fourth of July, or any Secret Service party.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Remember evil Russian dictator...

Remember evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin? He vanished for 10 days. He had disappeared and there were a lot of rumors. One rumor was he had disappeared because he had himself executed.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Mitt Romney has a fund-raiser....

Mitt Romney has a fund-raiser. He's going to get in the ring and fight Evander Holyfield. This is the dumbest thing Republicans have done since they wrote that open letter to Iran.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Today Mitt Romney is 68 years ...

Today Mitt Romney is 68 years old. It's kind of sad, a 68-year-old guy with no job, no future - wait a minute, that's me.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Some Secret Service guys crash...

Some Secret Service guys crashed a car into the White House. And they had been drinking when it happened. Actually, they hit a barrier trying to get to the White House. It's the same thing that is happening to Hillary.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Scientists have discovered a b...

Scientists have discovered a black hole that is 12 billion times the size of our sun. It's full of Hillary Clinton emails.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

I always liked Mitt Romney. He...

I always liked Mitt Romney. He looks like the salesman who follows you around at Brooks Brothers.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

President Obama's trying to wo...

President Obama's trying to work out a nuclear deal with Iran, and the Republicans are steamed. They got together and sent Iran a letter about the nuclear deal. They said if this doesn't work, by God, they're going to send Seth Rogen and James Franco.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

The ayatollah in Iran says he ...

The ayatollah in Iran says he believes that he got the letter, but he thinks he accidentally threw it out with his Crate & Barrel catalog.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

They found a scrapbook with ph...

They found a scrapbook with photos of Osama bin Laden from the '90s, and they're studying each and every photo very, very closely. My favorite shot of Osama bin Laden was right between the eyes.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

There's some kind of a thing w...

There's some kind of a thing where when she was Secretary of State she was using her own e-mail instead of the State Department, and I thought finally, a Clinton scandal the entire family can enjoy.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Mayor de Blasio has legalized ...

Mayor de Blasio has legalized ferrets. Now you can legally own ferrets in New York City. I want to tell you something. If I want to see anymore beady-eyed little weasels, I'll just keep riding the subway.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Today would have been the birt...

Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Because Utah is largely Mormon...

Because Utah is largely Mormon country, the firing squad's a little different. You're blindfolded but no cigarette.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Now in Utah if you get the dea...

Now in Utah if you get the death sentence, they have the firing squad. In Russia, they call that early retirement.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Hillary Clinton could use one ...

Hillary Clinton could use one of these Apple Watches. She could hook it up to her secret email account. If you want to contact Hillary, she's at hillary@pantsuit.com.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Yesterday was not only dayligh...

Yesterday was not only daylight saving time, but also International Women's Day. What better way to address the issue of inequality for women than giving them a day that's missing an hour.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

The FCC has delayed the decisi...

The FCC has delayed the decision on the Time/Warner Comcast merger. So how do you think those folks like being put on hold?

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Kim Jong Un shaved his eyebrow...

Kim Jong Un shaved his eyebrows and got his hair sticking right up. How would you like the leader of your country looking like Lady Gaga? Even Dennis Rodman told him he looks weird.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

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