David Letterman ,quotes

The Academy Awards are passed ...

The Academy Awards are passed out on Sunday. It's voted by members of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences. Or as I call them, 50 shades of white.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Sunday is the Academy Awards. ...

Sunday is the Academy Awards. Every time an actor says, 'I didn't expect this,' Ruth Bader Ginsburg will do a shot.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Do you know who is ready to go...

Do you know who is ready to go with the presidential campaign? Jeb Bush. Jeb already has plans to end the war in Iraq that his brother started. All he needs is a hot tub time machine.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

One of the dogs in the competi...

One of the dogs in the competition, a Portuguese Water Dog, is related to President Obama's dog, Bo. But they only see each other at funerals and weddings.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Good luck finding a place to p...

Good luck finding a place to park in New York City. And when you do, good luck figuring out the parking signs, restrictions, and prohibitions. It is so complicated. It has gotten so bad, I never park my car without a lawyer.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Pope Francis is going to go to...

Pope Francis is going to go to Washington, D.C., to address Congress. He believes the New England Patriots have been deflating his giant hat.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush ...

Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush has released all of his emails. I'd like to release all of my emails. I've got nothing but emails about low-cost funerals and Viagra.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Mitt Romney is not going to be...

Mitt Romney is not going to be running for president. So you know what that means. We are getting closer and closer to 'President Trump.'

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

I like Mitt Romney. He looks l...

I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy who comes with the picture frame.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Mitt Romney is not going to ru...

Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it's time for fresh faces. So that's good news for Bruce Jenner.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

In the last 48 hours King Abdu...

In the last 48 hours King Abdullah from Saudi Arabia passed away. I have a moral dilemma. The king passed away three or four days ago. Is it too soon to hit on Queen Latifah?

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

John Boehner is a member of a ...

John Boehner is a member of a country club in Ohio. It turns out that the bartender was plotting to poison Boehner. Now wait a minute. Isn't that the movie with Seth Rogen and James Franco?

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Mitt Romney is running for pre...

Mitt Romney is running for president again. That will be attempt No. 3. Well, everybody needs a hobby. He's almost certainly running, and I'm almost certainly retiring, so I don't care.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Paul Ryan announced that after...

Paul Ryan announced that after a lot of thought, and talking it over with family and friends, that he is not going to run for president in 2016. I'm telling you, this announcement sent shock waves through no one.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Congratulations to Ohio State,...

Congratulations to Ohio State, your new college football champions. Coach Urban Meyer may be the greatest football coach of all time. Don't confuse him with New York Mayor Bill de Blasio. That's urban quagmire.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Happy birthday to evil North K...

Happy birthday to evil North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. He gathered family and friends together and celebrated by executing a few close friends.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Here in New York City, it's co...

Here in New York City, it's cold. It's so cold the Republicans want to use the Keystone Pipeline to deliver soup.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Today was opening day for the ...

Today was opening day for the new Congress in Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden swore in the new batch of White House fence jumpers.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Instead of reading vows at the...

Instead of reading vows at the wedding ceremony, they read hacked Sony emails.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Kim Jong Un's sister got marri...

Kim Jong Un's sister got married. That sounds like another Seth Rogen movie, doesn't it?

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

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