David Letterman ,quotes

The Hillary team is driving ar...

The Hillary team is driving around in a van. Sometimes people get those gag bumper stickers put on their van. Hillary has one on her van, and it says, 'If this van's rockin', I'm deleting emails.'

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Hillary Clinton is driving acr...

Hillary Clinton is driving across Iowa in a van. It's to get to know the people she'll never, ever see again in her life.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Hillary Clinton is now in Iowa...

Hillary Clinton is now in Iowa. She's spending every waking minute of her day meeting ordinary people, and it's to prepare her for a job in which she will never again meet an ordinary person.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Hillary went to a Chipotle in ...

Hillary went to a Chipotle in a tortilla pantsuit.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Hillary's trying to appear dow...

Hillary's trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Today is tax day. A lot of peo...

Today is tax day. A lot of people are hoping they get refunds. And that's just the folks here in the audience.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

It's tax season. When I woke t...

It's tax season. When I woke this morning and realized it was tax season, I said, My God, didn't we just pay taxes last year?

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Hillary Clinton is running for...

Hillary Clinton is running for president. This time around, she promises to be warm and approachable. Like me.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

The 2016 presidential campaign...

The 2016 presidential campaign is heating up. Can you feel the indifference, the apathy?

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

It's two days until tax time. ...

It's two days until tax time. I know it's late, but there is still time to deduct this show as a loss.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Kids in Washington every year ...

Kids in Washington every year have the big Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. The kids found 300 Easter eggs. They also found about 10,000 missing Hillary emails.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Right after the show tonight, ...

Right after the show tonight, I'm going to the New York City car show. You get to see the models that will be crashed next year by drunken Secret Service agents.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

President Obama and his wife a...

President Obama and his wife are going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, 'While you're there, pick up your birth certificate.'

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

It was announced that Presiden...

It was announced that President Obama and his wife, when they're finished in Washington, are moving to New York City. The guy just can't get enough gridlock.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

This Hillary Clinton scandal h...

This Hillary Clinton scandal has to do with emails. All I get are emails for Canadian Viagra.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Hillary has now erased all of ...

Hillary has now erased all of her emails, and she also had all of her pantsuits dry cleaned.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Senate Minority Leader Harry R...

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid says he will not seek re-election. Harry said he wants to spend more time with his family. As I always say, check with your family.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Texas Senator Ted Cruz announc...

Texas Senator Ted Cruz announced he is running for president. Ted Cruz was born in Canada, his father fled to the United States from Cuba, and yet Ted Cruz is against immigration. Isn't that odd?

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Ted Cruz could be president of...

Ted Cruz could be president of the United States. If you thought the Secret Service was drinking before

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

Mitt Romney, two-time Republic...

Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential candidate, is going to fight Evander Holyfield for charity. I hope they save some of that money for funeral expenses.

David Letterman 03.03.2018 03:03:03 644 quotes

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