Skip to main content

Have you heard about the morn...

Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.

Daniel Tosh 234 quotes

This is what I say to the mos...

This is what I say to the most conservative person that's so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal. Just because the state says it's legal, it's not like God's going to let them into Heaven. So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up at the pearly gates.

Daniel Tosh 234 quotes

If you like soccer, then welc...

If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.

Daniel Tosh 234 quotes

Being a white boxer is like b...

Being a white boxer is like being a republican. No matter how hard you work, you'll always lose because of the Mexicans.

Daniel Tosh 234 quotes

I don't think I could stab so...

I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

Daniel Tosh 234 quotes

You know what really keeps yo...

You know what really keeps your staff on their toes? A harpoon gun.

Daniel Tosh 234 quotes

A white lady came running up ...

A white lady came running up to me after a show. She goes, What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that. And I'm like, Listen lady, my best friend is Cuban. And that's close enough.

Daniel Tosh 234 quotes

You know who makes a great fi...

You know who makes a great first impression? Liars.

Daniel Tosh 234 quotes

God does not hate gay people....

God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.

Daniel Tosh 234 quotes

We'll put an asterisk next to...

We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk?

Daniel Tosh 234 quotes

You know your girlfriend is t...

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

Daniel Tosh 234 quotes

Women can do anything men can...

Women can do anything men can do. Except math, chess, running, jumping, lifting stuff, fixing things, making money, hockey, surfing, driving, making decisions, being tall, taking out the garbage, tipping, fishing, being funny (on purpose), reading a map, listening to good bands, writing, running the country, inventing anything important, or being fun to hang out with.

Daniel Tosh 234 quotes

Girls say it's hard to find n...

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

Daniel Tosh 234 quotes

Stop saying you're not racist...

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

Daniel Tosh 234 quotes

How about we get rid of separ...

How about we get rid of separate bathrooms for boys and girls? Gays and straights share the bathroom with zero issues. We need to put an end to the sexist pooping policies of yesterday. The only way to achieve gender equality is to start crapping in front of each other.

Daniel Tosh 234 quotes

Girls can fake orgasms, but b...

Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.

Daniel Tosh 234 quotes

I have high-definition televi...

I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.

Daniel Tosh 234 quotes

I'm a homer, so the closer [I...

I'm a homer, so the closer [I perform] to my house the better. If I could get crowds to gather around my bed, that would be ideal. I also like doing stand-up in places that I can surf, snowboard, or anywhere that I have a pregnancy scare.

Daniel Tosh 234 quotes

Somebody bought me a Snuggie ...

Somebody bought me a Snuggie as a joke gift. Haha, the joke's on you, I enjoy it. I toss and turn at night, finally a blanket that's like, 'I'm going to keep you warm.' It's like having a small child with polio keep you in a full nelson - the perfect pressure.

Daniel Tosh 234 quotes

If you look at the Bible and ...

If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?

Daniel Tosh 234 quotes

Добрые, щедрые, великодушные: 6 советских актеров, которые были всеобщими любимчиками

23

Советских актёров часто ставят в пример как образец духовной силы, национальной гордости и внутренней красоты. Они стали символами эпохи, носителями культуры и нравственности. Но, как известно, за кул...

Десять кинозвезд, которые отлично поют

83

Актеры — люди творческие, но кто бы мог подумать, что некоторые из них скрывают прекрасный голос. В эпоху раннего Голливуда актеров с музыкальными способностями было немало — это считалось скорее норм...

Мэрилин Монро, Ким Кардашьян и другие

115

Неузнаваемая Ким Кардашьян в объективе фотографа Маркуса Клинко, 2009 год. Памела Андерсон в самой первой съёмке для журнала «Playboy», 1990. На фото голливудская актриса Dorothy Lamour и шимпанзе Джи...

Что стало с детьми-звездами: Рэдклифф и компания спустя годы

219

Расскажем, как сложилась судьба актеров, которые начинали сниматься еще в детстве.
Остаться на вершине в Голливуде удаётся не каждому, особенно если путь начался в детстве. Одни актёры теряются из-за...

Жизнь за границей: как изменились судьбы 7 уехавших телеведущих

541

Два года назад отечественное телевидение столкнулось с беспрецедентной кадровой тектоникой — целая группа ярких и узнаваемых ведущих стремительно исчезла с экранов федеральных каналов. Эти лица долгие...

Кира Найтли, Деми Мур и другие

165

Кира Найтли на страницах журнала к выходу фильма «Пиджак», 2005. Следы динозавра, раскопанные в русле реки Палакси. Техас. США. 1952г. Самая большая женщина рядом с самым маленьким мужчиной, 1922 год....