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Without Valentine's Day, Febr...

Without Valentine's Day, February would be... well, January.

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

I only dated one Asian girl, ...

I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

Some fast food places, they h...

Some fast food places, they have that ketchup pump. It's like a keg. They give you the paper shot glass. I always like to hang around there, try and meet the ladies. "Here, I'll pump for you. You come to this Wendy's often? My roommate and I, we got a pony pump back at my dorm. Here's an extra shot "

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

Do you ever leave a message f...

Do you ever leave a message for somebody and the answering machine cuts you off, and you have to decide whether you should not call back, or call back and appear like a stalker? "Hi. It's me again. I forgot to tell you that I'm going to kill you. Because I'm the freak who keeps calling and calling."

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

How'd we come up with the rob...

How'd we come up with the robe? Was some guy just like, 'Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't we make a coat out of a towel? You can have a little belt that goes around. You could dunk the belt in the toilet! Have a toilet belt.'

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

I am originally from Indiana....

I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia.

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

Lifetime is television for wo...

Lifetime is television for women. Yet for some reason, there's always a woman getting beaten on that channel. "In a Lifetime original, Meredith Baxter-Berney gets beaten with a rod. In a Lifetime original, Rod."

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

Weight Watchers says nothing ...

Weight Watchers says nothing tastes better than thin feels. I can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels.

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

Every now and then I'll read ...

Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, "Hey Jim, how ya do-" "I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!" "That's great, what was it about?" "No idea! Took me three years!"

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

My wife told me that in the B...

My wife told me that in the Bible, Abraham circumcised himself... wow! I can't even get to the bank before it closes.

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

Pie can't compete with cake. ...

Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen.

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

Comedians kind of write what ...

Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it's what inspires you.

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

I'm an eccentric, silly, obse...

I'm an eccentric, silly, observational guy, but I'm not gonna frighten off social conservatives.

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

There's something about being...

There's something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian.

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

Nursery schools and bars at 2...

Nursery schools and bars at 2 a.m. are the only places where it is completely normal if someone just spontaneously throws up on the floor...and just like a toddler, the bar patron wakes up the next day not remembering or caring how they behaved.

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

What was the idea behind Hot ...

What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

For me, it's always a little ...

For me, it's always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at my bed and lament, 'You were wonderful last night. I didn't want it to end. I can't wait to see you again.

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

The Pearly Gates. Am I the on...

The Pearly Gates. Am I the only one who finds it odd that Heaven has gates? What kind of neighborhood is Heaven in?

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

Once you put bacon into a sal...

Once you put bacon into a salad it's no longer a salad, it just becomes a game of find the bacon in the lettuce. It's like you're panning for gold, hmmmmm, EUREKA!

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

In the end, the type of paren...

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

Добрые, щедрые, великодушные: 6 советских актеров, которые были всеобщими любимчиками

23

Советских актёров часто ставят в пример как образец духовной силы, национальной гордости и внутренней красоты. Они стали символами эпохи, носителями культуры и нравственности. Но, как известно, за кул...

Десять кинозвезд, которые отлично поют

83

Актеры — люди творческие, но кто бы мог подумать, что некоторые из них скрывают прекрасный голос. В эпоху раннего Голливуда актеров с музыкальными способностями было немало — это считалось скорее норм...

Мэрилин Монро, Ким Кардашьян и другие

115

Неузнаваемая Ким Кардашьян в объективе фотографа Маркуса Клинко, 2009 год. Памела Андерсон в самой первой съёмке для журнала «Playboy», 1990. На фото голливудская актриса Dorothy Lamour и шимпанзе Джи...

Что стало с детьми-звездами: Рэдклифф и компания спустя годы

219

Расскажем, как сложилась судьба актеров, которые начинали сниматься еще в детстве.
Остаться на вершине в Голливуде удаётся не каждому, особенно если путь начался в детстве. Одни актёры теряются из-за...

Жизнь за границей: как изменились судьбы 7 уехавших телеведущих

541

Два года назад отечественное телевидение столкнулось с беспрецедентной кадровой тектоникой — целая группа ярких и узнаваемых ведущих стремительно исчезла с экранов федеральных каналов. Эти лица долгие...

Кира Найтли, Деми Мур и другие

165

Кира Найтли на страницах журнала к выходу фильма «Пиджак», 2005. Следы динозавра, раскопанные в русле реки Палакси. Техас. США. 1952г. Самая большая женщина рядом с самым маленьким мужчиной, 1922 год....