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Арабские красавицы на фестивале в Дубаи. ТОП-10Арабские красавицы на фестивале в Дубаи. ТОП-10 14 самых удивительных вертикальных садов мира14 самых удивительных вертикальных садов мира Крупнейшие радиационные аварии и катастрофы современностиКрупнейшие радиационные аварии и катастрофы современности
Emo Philips

I'm not Catholic, but I gave ...

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

I got in a fight one time wit...

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?"

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

The other day a woman came up...

The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn't I see you on television? I said, I don't know. You can't see out the other way.

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

I pray a simple prayer every ...

I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

When I was a kid my parents u...

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

I got a job at an amusement p...

I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

I read that nine out of 10 wo...

I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

When deciding between two com...

When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn't involve a magic spell.

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

I find you can often find hum...

I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

My mother was like a sister t...

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

I saw a psychologist once bec...

I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

Sometimes my mother goes thro...

Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

My parents had very strict ru...

My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour.

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

For some reason, religious jo...

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

Every time I see Dan Quayle I...

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

I don't have to tell you folk...

I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

I had a very close relationsh...

I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

Thinking up jokes is easy. Th...

Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

My sister gained 80 pounds ex...

My sister gained 80 pounds expecting her baby. Well, you get nervous, waiting for those adoption papers to clear.

Emo Philips 240 quotes
Emo Philips

My dad always said, If someon...

My dad always said, If someone hands you a lemon, make lemonade. Plus that also works wonderfully as a metaphor.

Emo Philips 240 quotes

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