Emo Philips ,quotes

Ambiguity Ђ' the Devil's volle...

Ambiguity Ђ' the Devil's volleyball.

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

I used to be scared of pretty ...

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

When I was ten, my family move...

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

Cell phones are like a dog's n...

Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them!

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

Lord please break the laws of ...

Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

I was walking home one night a...

I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

I have a lot more things to ta...

I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult.

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

It's amazing where a joke migh...

It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

I was sick of people making fu...

I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

When I was a kid, my goodness,...

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

I lent a friend of mine $10,00...

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

When I was 10, I beat up the s...

When I was 10, I beat up the school bully. His arms were in casts. That's what gave me the courage.

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

I started doing stand-up at th...

I started doing stand-up at the age of 20. This was back in 1976, around the time (coincidence?) that the first comedy clubs were starting. The young comedians of today gasp when I tell them how many shows I did that first year: 500. Five nights a week.

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

Some comedians change their st...

Some comedians change their style, often to their advantage; but I see no reason why I can't continue with the 'urbane sophisticate' 'til the day I die.

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

I'm not Catholic, but I gave u...

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

Don't wear fur! Did you know, ...

Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

I pray a simple prayer every m...

I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes 'Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.Ђќ

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

I picked up a hitch hiker. You...

I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

I like to play chess with bald...

I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

I find you can often find humo...

I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.

Emo Philips 03.03.2018 03:03:03 240 quotes

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