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Do It Under the Influence Your...

Do It Under the Influence Yourself! That's what we're shooting for! Get drunk and make your dreams come true.

Aziz Ansari 111 quotes

Every time I've done comedy in...

Every time I've done comedy in, like, traditional comedy clubs, there's always these comedians that do really well with audiences but that the other comedians hate because they're just, you know, doing kind of cheap stuff like dancing around or doing, like, very kind of base sex humor a lot, and stuff like that.

Aziz Ansari 111 quotes

When I tour, it's like, well, ...

When I tour, it's like, well, like a food tour as much as a comedy tour. I try to eat at all the weird places, the obscure barbecue joints, burger places. There are a few spots in L.A. that I'm obsessed with - one of them is the Taco Zone taco truck on Alvarado. There are secret off-menu items that are amazing.

Aziz Ansari 111 quotes

This is one of my favorite pic...

This is one of my favorite pick up strategies: I'm constantly giving women my keys. So far, none of them have shown up. Matter of time. And I've been robbed twice.

Aziz Ansari 111 quotes

What if I couldn't read? I wou...

What if I couldn't read? I wouldn't be able to text my friends movie times or even order cheese biscuits from Red Lobster!

Aziz Ansari 111 quotes

She broke up with me. Didn't r...

She broke up with me. Didn't really tell me why. Luckily when you're the guy, you can just tell people she's crazy. 'Hey, Tom, I heard you and Lucy broke up.' 'Yeah, man. Turns out, she's crazy.' That's what they always do on Entourage.

Aziz Ansari 111 quotes

Zerts' are what I call dessert...

Zerts' are what I call desserts. 'TrГ©e-trГ©es' are entrГ©es. I call sandwiches 'sammies,' 'sandoozles,' or 'Adam Sandlers.' Air conditioners are 'cool blasterz' with a 'z' - I don't know where that came from. I call cakes 'big ol' cookies.' I call noodles 'long-ass rice.' Fried chicken is 'fry-fry chicky-chick.' Chicken parm is 'chicky-chicky-parm-parm.' Chicken cacciatore? 'Chicky-cacc.' I call eggs 'pre-birds,' or 'future birds.' Root beer is 'super water.' Tortillas are 'bean blankets.' And I call forks 'food rakes

Aziz Ansari 111 quotes

Whats the worst that could hap...

Whats the worst that could happen?! The worst that could happen is he could cut off your legs and use them to make stilts that look like legs!

Aziz Ansari 111 quotes

You're a feminist if you go to...

You're a feminist if you go to a Jay Z and BeyoncГ© concert, and you're not like, Ђ?Mmm, I feel like BeyoncГ© should get 23 percent less money than Jay Z.'

Aziz Ansari 111 quotes

I guess after college, I just ...

I guess after college, I just got really into food. I also think going on the road doing stand-up makes you more into food. Because when you travel like that, one of the things to do is find really good places to eat.

Aziz Ansari 111 quotes

Instead of yelling your opinio...

Instead of yelling your opinion, or telling people to shut up, or engaging in this clickbait-internet culture, have a dialogue with someone and ask people questions and listen to what they have to say.

Aziz Ansari 111 quotes

I write characters that are ba...

I write characters that are based on elements of people I know and experiences I've really had.

Aziz Ansari 111 quotes

My dad grew up basically in a ...

My dad grew up basically in a hut in Taiwan without enough food to eat. And within one generation his son in America gets to do a comedy show about whatever he wants.

Aziz Ansari 111 quotes

Every time I've done comedy in...

Every time I've done comedy in, like, traditional comedy clubs, there's always these comedians that do really well with audiences but that the other comedians hate because they're just, you know, doing kind of cheap stuff like dancing around or doing, like, very kind of base sex humor a lot, and stuff like that.

Aziz Ansari 111 quotes

I have no interest in art. Let...

I have no interest in art. Let me clarify Ђ” I have no interest in non-nude images.

Aziz Ansari 111 quotes

I never had the desire to be a...

I never had the desire to be a professional Twitterer. Every now and then something dumb pops into my head and I'll tweet it. I don't feel any obligation to respond to everyone. Not that I don't appreciate people sending me messages on there, but there are too many. Responding to everyone would take away time for all the stuff I'm actually in the business for [stand-up or scripts].

Aziz Ansari 111 quotes

You should really treat stand-...

You should really treat stand-up like you would a play. It's a one-man play.

Aziz Ansari 111 quotes

Yes, I'm married. But my wife ...

Yes, I'm married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven't even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to us
both.

Aziz Ansari 111 quotes

Yeah, I've been a little down....

Yeah, I've been a little down. Totally natural. I'm getting a divorce, but now I'm ready to pull myself up by some G-strings.

Aziz Ansari 111 quotes

When I'm dating someone, I hav...

When I'm dating someone, I have a list called my 'Oh No Nos.' If a woman commits a Oh No No, it can end the relationship. Not loving '90s R&B music is #3 on the Oh No Nos list. Girl don't
even know who Ginuwine is.

Aziz Ansari 111 quotes

Энди Уорхол, его муза Эдди Седжвик и Чак Вайн, вылезающие из канализационного люка, Нью-Йорк, 1965 г. и Барбара Буше — итальянская актриса, популярная в 60-е

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Энди Уорхол, его муза Эдди Седжвик и Чак Вайн, вылезающие из канализационного люка, Нью-Йорк, 1965 г. Брюс Уиллис (без комплексов) ведет переговоры прямо на съёмочной площадке Крепкого орешка 3/Die H...

Американский иллюзионист Дэвид Копперфильд, 1977 год и Дженнифер Энистон, 2014 г.

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Американский иллюзионист Дэвид Копперфильд, 1977 год. Дженнифер Энистон, 2014 г. Вика Одинцова, 2010-ые. Питер Фальк (он же "лейтенант Коломбо") в своей художественной студии, 1984 г. Актеры Джон Тра...

Джин Шримптон, которую нaзывают первой супер-моделью, 1965 год и Ханна Нью — английская модель и актриса

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Актриса из сериала "Элен и ребята" Элен Ролле с поклонницей, Москва, 1998 год. Егеря с собаками на фоне стога сена, 1897 год. Джин Шримптон, которую нaзывают первой супер-моделью, 1965 год. ...

Сигурни Уивeр, 1980-е. и Aктpиca Дoлopec Фeйт, 1960-e.

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Aктpиca Дoлopec Фeйт, 1960-e. Агитавтомобиль итальянской компартии с макетом советского спутника 65 лет назад... Деревня Haid Al-Jazil в Йемене. Согласно переписи 2004 года в деревне проживают 17 чело...