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I had a job interview at an in...

I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' I said, 'Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!'

Mitch Hedberg 456 quotes

Stand-up is an art but since i...

Stand-up is an art but since it's humor and it's funny - a lot of guys that don't think it's art are probably coming from the angle that they don't want to take it so seriously. I've always looked at it as an art but I don't look at it as a pretentious art. I understand it has to be taken lightly because it is just comedy in the end, but the good stand-up comics are someone with something to say.

Mitch Hedberg 456 quotes

I don't think stand-up is bein...

I don't think stand-up is being appreciated as much as it could be and I don't think it has for a long time. There's some great stand-up comics who come to a town and if they're not a name, they don't attract a crowd but in reality there are brilliant people out there.

Mitch Hedberg 456 quotes

I have found when I look at an...

I have found when I look at an audience that the expressions on the peoples' faces aren't always up to par with the sounds that they're making. A crowd can sound like they're having a good time when your eyes are closed but if you open your eyes, the looks on some of those faces don't equal the sound.

Mitch Hedberg 456 quotes

That's always disappointed me,...

That's always disappointed me, to see a guy in the crowd who doesn't look like he's having fun but in general if you just listen to the crowd it sounds like they're having fun. So I don't want to focus on the one guy who's not having fun. And by closing my eyes and just listening, I can't hear that he's not laughing but I can see that he's not laughing.

Mitch Hedberg 456 quotes

When you start out in comedy, ...

When you start out in comedy, or probably in a lot of things, you want it to happen fast. You don't want to see yourself having to do this for seven years before you start to get some feedback.

Mitch Hedberg 456 quotes

I tried to have a cookie, and ...

I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, 'I'm mailing those cookies to my friend.' So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.

Mitch Hedberg 456 quotes

Has anyone seen me on Letterma...

Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. 'You might have seen this next comedian at the store,' and people would say 'Hell yes I have!'

Mitch Hedberg 456 quotes

It's hard to fight when you're...

It's hard to fight when you're in a gazebo.

Mitch Hedberg 456 quotes

I have some speakers up here, ...

I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.

Mitch Hedberg 456 quotes

I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I c...

I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?

Mitch Hedberg 456 quotes

I called the hotel operator an...

I called the hotel operator and she said, 'How can I direct your call?' I said, 'Well, you could say 'Action!', and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye', then you can yell 'Cut!''

Mitch Hedberg 456 quotes

A dog came to my door, so I ga...

A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, 'Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!'

Mitch Hedberg 456 quotes

Cavities are made by sugar. So...

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!

Mitch Hedberg 456 quotes

I like cottage cheese. That's ...

I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.

Mitch Hedberg 456 quotes

I want to ride in a cold air b...

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. 'This isn't going anywhere!'

Mitch Hedberg 456 quotes

Tony the Tiger usually thinks ...

Tony the Tiger usually thinks that stuff is great.

Mitch Hedberg 456 quotes

This one commercial said, 'Fo...

This one commercial said, 'Forget everything you know about slipcovers.' So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!

Mitch Hedberg 456 quotes

I'm into carpooling, because s...

I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.

Mitch Hedberg 456 quotes

Imagine if you were a drummer,...

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

Mitch Hedberg 456 quotes

Добрые, щедрые, великодушные: 6 советских актеров, которые были всеобщими любимчиками

23

Советских актёров часто ставят в пример как образец духовной силы, национальной гордости и внутренней красоты. Они стали символами эпохи, носителями культуры и нравственности. Но, как известно, за кул...

Десять кинозвезд, которые отлично поют

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Актеры — люди творческие, но кто бы мог подумать, что некоторые из них скрывают прекрасный голос. В эпоху раннего Голливуда актеров с музыкальными способностями было немало — это считалось скорее норм...

Мэрилин Монро, Ким Кардашьян и другие

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Неузнаваемая Ким Кардашьян в объективе фотографа Маркуса Клинко, 2009 год. Памела Андерсон в самой первой съёмке для журнала «Playboy», 1990. На фото голливудская актриса Dorothy Lamour и шимпанзе Джи...

Что стало с детьми-звездами: Рэдклифф и компания спустя годы

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Расскажем, как сложилась судьба актеров, которые начинали сниматься еще в детстве.
Остаться на вершине в Голливуде удаётся не каждому, особенно если путь начался в детстве. Одни актёры теряются из-за...

Жизнь за границей: как изменились судьбы 7 уехавших телеведущих

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Два года назад отечественное телевидение столкнулось с беспрецедентной кадровой тектоникой — целая группа ярких и узнаваемых ведущих стремительно исчезла с экранов федеральных каналов. Эти лица долгие...

Кира Найтли, Деми Мур и другие

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Кира Найтли на страницах журнала к выходу фильма «Пиджак», 2005. Следы динозавра, раскопанные в русле реки Палакси. Техас. США. 1952г. Самая большая женщина рядом с самым маленьким мужчиной, 1922 год....