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Арабские красавицы на фестивале в Дубаи. ТОП-10Арабские красавицы на фестивале в Дубаи. ТОП-10 14 самых удивительных вертикальных садов мира14 самых удивительных вертикальных садов мира Крупнейшие радиационные аварии и катастрофы современностиКрупнейшие радиационные аварии и катастрофы современности
Lewis Black

[The Weather Channel] is the ...

[The Weather Channel] is the most watched cable channel in America. I'll repeat that. It is the most watched cable channel in America. They were worried about the terrorists immobilizing us, and a portion of our countrymen watch weather. 'Kay, you don't get any more immobile than that... unless you're in a goddamn coma. That means you're saying, "I'd go to the window, but it's too far." If you want to know what the weather is you go to a window and stick your hand out and if you want to know what the temperature is you drive by a bank.

Lewis Black 279 quotes
Lewis Black

You know what would help the ...

You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!

Lewis Black 279 quotes
Lewis Black

Behind me, I heard a young wo...

Behind me, I heard a young woman of 25 say, "If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college." Now, I'm gonna repeat that, because it bears repeating. "If it weren't for my horse..." as in, giddyup, giddyup, let's go — "I wouldn't have spent that year in college," which is a degree-granting institution. Don't think about that too long, or BLOOD will shoot out your NOSE!

Lewis Black 279 quotes
Lewis Black

It was the coldest winter eve...

It was the coldest winter ever! I thought last winter was the coldest winter ever, but I was wrong now wasn't I? You see because I travel all the time. So last winter, I'd be in the midwest, and the blizzard would hit. And then I'd fly home, and the blizzard would hit again!

Lewis Black 279 quotes
Lewis Black

How long can we go without re...

How long can we go without real leadership? It's like an experiment. It's [a problem with] both parties, it's beyond belief.

Lewis Black 279 quotes
Lewis Black

In four days, I experienced f...

In four days, I experienced five seasons. It was thirty, it was sixty, it was ninety, then it was twelve! And on the last day, there was thunder, lightning, and snow - together! And I hadn't done drugs.

Lewis Black 279 quotes
Lewis Black

Pursue whatever it is that yo...

Pursue whatever it is that you want to do with your life. It is the only secret to happiness that I know except for maybe true love, that and maybe having the amazing health insurance plan that our congressmen have.

Lewis Black 279 quotes
Lewis Black

You are an adult, and you can...

You are an adult, and you can dress up whenever you want to. You don't need permission anymore! If you wake up next tuesday, and you feel like being Batman, go for it! And then you go to work, and your boss will look up and go "who are you," and you can say: "I am Batman. That's who I am, who are you?"

Lewis Black 279 quotes
Lewis Black

I had more material on weathe...

I had more material on weather than anyone else, I guess, ... back when I was traveling a lot on the road as a standup comic, between airport security and the weather... I just wanted to be prepared for sitting in the airport.

Lewis Black 279 quotes
Lewis Black

I can be drunk until 6 in the...

I can be drunk until 6 in the morning, and then I don't have to show up to work until 14 hours later.

Lewis Black 279 quotes
Lewis Black

I'd like the campaigning to b...

I'd like the campaigning to be about all the things they're not going to do. Just tell me what you're not going do! Don't tell me what you're going to do. Just say "I'd really like to do solar energy but I'm not going to be able to. I really want to dig holes everywhere in the country but I really won't be able to do it because people seem to think that maybe my water will be screwed up."

Lewis Black 279 quotes
Lewis Black

I really wanted to talk about...

I really wanted to talk about the War on Terror and say that both sides were completely incompetent [in addressing it]. You can't blame the other side when you're involved in it.

Lewis Black 279 quotes
Lewis Black

I never write anything down. ...

I never write anything down. I write onstage.

Lewis Black 279 quotes
Lewis Black

It's 2003. Why can't I telepo...

It's 2003. Why can't I teleport?

Lewis Black 279 quotes
Lewis Black

Every other civilized country...

Every other civilized country has determined when life begins and it's something that eludes us. We've got things that have to be done! "We didn't fix that bridge because you are all down at the meeting house discussing abortion again."

Lewis Black 279 quotes
Lewis Black

The tortoise moves very slowl...

The tortoise moves very slowly, it moves towards whatever the goal is, to keep a democratic capitalistic society functioning.

Lewis Black 279 quotes
Lewis Black

I've got stress like anybody ...

I've got stress like anybody else, and it builds up during the day. Like, I'll be trying to do something on the computer, and I'll get stuck ,so I go to the help section. And it just enrages me, because why even call it a help section at all? There's nothing in any way 'helpful' about it.

Lewis Black 279 quotes
Lewis Black

I had an iPhone and a Droid a...

I had an iPhone and a Droid and both of them were miserable pieces of equipment.

Lewis Black 279 quotes
Lewis Black

I've always been a social net...

I've always been a social network retard, even before there was a social network. People would say, "You want to go to this party and do some networking?"

Lewis Black 279 quotes
Lewis Black

If you really think there's a...

If you really think there's a Santa, why don't you sit on the front steps all night in the freezing cold and see if he climbs down any chimneys tonight. Good luck. And since we're a family that isn't lucky enough to have a chimney, how would Santa get into our house? Does he bring a locksmith with him? And it probably would have to be a Jewish locksmith, because a Christian locksmith is going to want to be home with his family. And how many Jewish locksmiths are there? None.

Lewis Black 279 quotes

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