I love the tabloids except for when I'm in 'em. Especially with the stuff they wrote about Jessica and I - it's obviously not true.

It's just an unhealthy way to approach something, trying to outdo your last thing. You've gotta trust evolution, you've gotta trust that the bar is moving, that you don't need to force the bar. It'll just happen.

You can tell it's good if you light it and a blue flame comes up; that means it's good moonshine and it won't make you go blind.

What calmed me down finally was when my girlfriend got pregnant.

A lot of stand-up comedy guys, when they get a little famous, just give up their stand-up career, and it cancels out the thing that set them apart.

You were about five feet short of a ten feet jump?

My parents said that I was nine months old and would throw myself out of the crib onto the floor continually. As soon as they left the room after putting me back in they'd hear a big bump and I'd be on the floor again.

'I know this is going to end bad, but I'm going to pretend it's going to end good.' My life's philosophy.

Doctors have told me I have a high pain threshold, but I can only know what I feel. I think I'm good at minimising the pain and being indifferent to it.

When I used to go into bars people would try and fight me. Women would punch me 10 years ago or put cigarettes out on my arm or my face. But it doesn't seem to happen any more. They show us a lot of love.

I have a whole slew of doctors. I can count eight in my phone right now - eight different doctors, all for different parts of my body. I have specialists.

I want to do dramas. I want to do comedies.

People go to car races to watch the crashes.

I'm so uncoordinated, I can't really do that much, so my specialty is standing in one spot or holding on to something, like an exploding rocket or a jetski.

I actually got stabbed at my friend's bachelor party. In real life.

What an honor that Stephen Prouty got nominated for best makeup and hairstyling for Jackass Presents Bad Grandpa. Am I as stunned as everyone else we didn’t get the nod for best picture? Well of course, duh, but I won’t let that take away from my happiness for Steve, Tony Gardner, and our whole makeup team. Wahoo!

But I can still lick the spoon!

People think by challenging me they're going to show they're tough. But I'm not tough. Decent drinker. Not such a bad kisser. But not a great fighter.