Jimmy Carr ,quotes

Staying in luxury hotels stil...

Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service.

Jimmy Carr 10.08.2025 21:05:07 82 quotes

The 2012 Olympics is going to...

The 2012 Olympics is going to cost ?8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.

Jimmy Carr 10.08.2025 21:05:07 82 quotes

I love those people who do st...

I love those people who do story-telling and who ramble on, but I don't do that, I tell jokes - the sort of jokes that anyone really could tell in the pub.

Jimmy Carr 10.08.2025 21:05:07 82 quotes

Swimming is good for you, esp...

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

Jimmy Carr 10.08.2025 21:05:07 82 quotes

People with Tourettes.....Wha...

People with Tourettes.....What makes them tick?

Jimmy Carr 10.08.2025 21:05:07 82 quotes

No matter how much you give a...

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

Jimmy Carr 10.08.2025 21:05:07 82 quotes

I, of course, don't have an a...

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

Jimmy Carr 10.08.2025 21:05:07 82 quotes

A lady with a clipboard stopp...

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.'

Jimmy Carr 10.08.2025 21:05:07 82 quotes

Eighteen years since the Cher...

Eighteen years since the Chernobyl disaster. Is it just me surprized? Still no superheroes!

Jimmy Carr 10.08.2025 21:05:07 82 quotes

See no evil, hear no evil, sp...

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol

Jimmy Carr 10.08.2025 21:05:07 82 quotes

I saw a charity appeal in the...

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

Jimmy Carr 10.08.2025 21:05:07 82 quotes

Cats have nine lives. Makes t...

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

Jimmy Carr 10.08.2025 21:05:07 82 quotes

Like most of the world's popu...

Like most of the world's population I'm into coffee, but in a properly big and important way. My perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee.

Jimmy Carr 10.08.2025 21:05:07 82 quotes

I go around the country and d...

I go around the country and do a simple gag like, 'The property ladder is now a snake' and get a real laugh.

Jimmy Carr 10.08.2025 21:05:07 82 quotes

You never want to be the grum...

You never want to be the grumpy guy, although I do have quite a grumpy face.

Jimmy Carr 10.08.2025 21:05:07 82 quotes

You go, well you can't joke a...

You go, well you can't joke about race. Well if you're from a different race and that's your experience of the world and you want to talk about that, then fine. Or you can't talk about disability, but disabled comics can talk about that.

Jimmy Carr 10.08.2025 21:05:07 82 quotes

I think the idea that death i...

I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have.

Jimmy Carr 10.08.2025 21:05:07 82 quotes

It's so clear cut with a come...

It's so clear cut with a comedian - you have that reflex action, whereby you laugh or you don't. And so you either love us or you simply cannot see why people are laughing.

Jimmy Carr 10.08.2025 21:05:07 82 quotes

If I'm at home for the weeken...

If I'm at home for the weekend - and that is almost never - I tend to get twitchy at about eight o'clock in the evening because my body clock is timed to go on stage. I don't know what to do with myself.

Jimmy Carr 10.08.2025 21:05:07 82 quotes

I like to write a joke withou...

I like to write a joke without any fat on it. The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.

Jimmy Carr 10.08.2025 21:05:07 82 quotes

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