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Lean Pockets, I don't even wa...

Lean Pockets, I don't even wanna know what's in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets: 'Remove from box, place directly in toilet.' Flush Pocket!

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

I guess the reasons against h...

I guess the reasons against having more children always seem uninspiring and superficial. What exactly am I missing out on? Money? A few more hours of sleep? A more peaceful meal? More hair? These are nothing compared to what I get from these five monsters who rule my life.

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

Not that I don't think irreve...

Not that I don't think irreverent humor and someone being filthy is funny, I just do what I do. Any comedian would admit throwing an f-bomb in there would help get a reaction. ... I'm not on a Puritanical pursuit, but when I would curse in a joke, I believe I'm not done writing it.

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

We’re never satisfied when it...

We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. ‘You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle. Here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!’

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

There is the vegetarian Hot P...

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

You never want to be the wors...

You never want to be the worst bowler of the group-because then everyone treats you like you have cancer. "You can do it! We're praying for you." The advice starts. "Use a heavier ball." "Keep your arm straight." "You should get a vasectomy." If you're really bad at bowling like me, they'll ask if want the bumpers up. Not that bowling is that complex anyway. "You want the bumpers? We can get rid of the pins. Why don't you take this coloring book and sit in the corner?"

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

I went to a Catholic Universi...

I went to a Catholic University and there's something about being a Catholic-American. You know, St. Patrick's Day is, I'm Irish-Catholic. There's alcoholism in my family. It's like I've got to be Catholic, right?

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

Bacon's the best, even the fr...

Bacon's the best, even the frying of bacon sounds like an applause.

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

You ever talk about a movie w...

You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending. 'Ah, the book was much better than the movie.' Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

Actually, the reason I look l...

Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

I've never eaten a Hot Pocket...

I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, I'm glad I ate that. I'm always like, I'm gonna die.

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

Other people's children's bir...

Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

Gyms are always packed. The o...

Gyms are always packed. The only machine available is the one that simulates the gynecological exam. You know, the Sharon Stone machine.

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

I think the worst professiona...

I think the worst professional advice I received was this kind of unspoken message of "sit back and wait your turn," or "sit back and wait and let other people do things."

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm...

I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

Thanksgiving, you know - Than...

Thanksgiving, you know - Thanksgiving - it's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is we overeat.

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

Besides hot pockets keeps int...

Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic.

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

I'm a guy who comes from a sm...

I'm a guy who comes from a small town in the Midwest. It's not in my nature to say the most explicit things in public.

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

I had some jokes that were di...

I had some jokes that were dirty. And some of it is when I started making appearances on Conan and Letterman back in the late '90s, I think. You had to remove the curse words, or you couldn't do some of the more explicit jokes.

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

I spend way too much time on ...

I spend way too much time on Facebook and MySpace to feel too uncomfortable at this. I like to think of the Internet as an effective way to waste time and time.

Jim Gaffigan 337 quotes

Добрые, щедрые, великодушные: 6 советских актеров, которые были всеобщими любимчиками

23

Советских актёров часто ставят в пример как образец духовной силы, национальной гордости и внутренней красоты. Они стали символами эпохи, носителями культуры и нравственности. Но, как известно, за кул...

Десять кинозвезд, которые отлично поют

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Актеры — люди творческие, но кто бы мог подумать, что некоторые из них скрывают прекрасный голос. В эпоху раннего Голливуда актеров с музыкальными способностями было немало — это считалось скорее норм...

Мэрилин Монро, Ким Кардашьян и другие

115

Неузнаваемая Ким Кардашьян в объективе фотографа Маркуса Клинко, 2009 год. Памела Андерсон в самой первой съёмке для журнала «Playboy», 1990. На фото голливудская актриса Dorothy Lamour и шимпанзе Джи...

Что стало с детьми-звездами: Рэдклифф и компания спустя годы

219

Расскажем, как сложилась судьба актеров, которые начинали сниматься еще в детстве.
Остаться на вершине в Голливуде удаётся не каждому, особенно если путь начался в детстве. Одни актёры теряются из-за...

Жизнь за границей: как изменились судьбы 7 уехавших телеведущих

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Два года назад отечественное телевидение столкнулось с беспрецедентной кадровой тектоникой — целая группа ярких и узнаваемых ведущих стремительно исчезла с экранов федеральных каналов. Эти лица долгие...

Кира Найтли, Деми Мур и другие

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Кира Найтли на страницах журнала к выходу фильма «Пиджак», 2005. Следы динозавра, раскопанные в русле реки Палакси. Техас. США. 1952г. Самая большая женщина рядом с самым маленьким мужчиной, 1922 год....