Jim Gaffigan ,quotes

You ever read an article, and ...

You ever read an article, and at the bottom, it says, 'Continued on page six'? I'm , 'Not for me. I'm done.'

Jim Gaffigan 03.03.2018 03:03:03 337 quotes

One of the benefits of eating ...

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

Jim Gaffigan 03.03.2018 03:03:03 337 quotes

Life is a little easier for at...

Life is a little easier for attractive people. Think about it: if a stranger smiles at you and they're attractive, you think, 'Oh, they're nice,' but if a stranger's ugly, you're like, 'What do they want? Get away from me, weirdo.

Jim Gaffigan 03.03.2018 03:03:03 337 quotes

Yeah the appetizer, that's the...

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

Jim Gaffigan 03.03.2018 03:03:03 337 quotes

Imagine you're drowning, and s...

Imagine you're drowning, and someone hands you a baby.

Jim Gaffigan 03.03.2018 03:03:03 337 quotes

I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm ...

I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.

Jim Gaffigan 03.03.2018 03:03:03 337 quotes

No one goes into standup to ma...

No one goes into standup to make money. The frustration and rejection are just too much.

Jim Gaffigan 03.03.2018 03:03:03 337 quotes

Kale is a superfood and it's s...

Kale is a superfood and it's special power is tasting bad.

Jim Gaffigan 03.03.2018 03:03:03 337 quotes

I married a woman who loves to...

I married a woman who loves to camp, and I am what you would call 'indoorsy'... My wife always brings up, 'Camping's a tradition in my family.' Hey, it was a tradition in everyone's family 'til we came up with the house.

Jim Gaffigan 03.03.2018 03:03:03 337 quotes

I initially signed up for Twit...

I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine.

Jim Gaffigan 03.03.2018 03:03:03 337 quotes

I just want to be known as fun...

I just want to be known as funny.

Jim Gaffigan 03.03.2018 03:03:03 337 quotes

I try to only eat animals that...

I try to only eat animals that are vegan. I'm probably the opposite of a vegan.

Jim Gaffigan 03.03.2018 03:03:03 337 quotes

I was the youngest of six kids...

I was the youngest of six kids, so yeah, feeding myself was important, but it's not like I was obsessed with food growing up.

Jim Gaffigan 03.03.2018 03:03:03 337 quotes

I worked on 'USA Today' as a t...

I worked on 'USA Today' as a topic for while. I tried to do something on hand chairs, chairs that look like hands. I really tried. But some topics are not truly universal.

Jim Gaffigan 03.03.2018 03:03:03 337 quotes

I don't know, I find that hone...

I don't know, I find that honestly, the stand-up thing in some ways is a little bit of a cliche to carry around, because people don't consider stand-ups really actors.

Jim Gaffigan 03.03.2018 03:03:03 337 quotes

Steakhouses sort of have this ...

Steakhouses sort of have this old-school nature to them; they're like museums full of good food. It's fun hearing the waiter share his expertise on the different cuts of beef and how they're going to cut up your baked potato.

Jim Gaffigan 03.03.2018 03:03:03 337 quotes

Why would a lazy guy become a ...

Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently don't like change and criticism become writers, actors, or comedians? There's something about this process. I joke about it: My kids have made me a better person, and I only need, like, 34 more of them to be a really good guy.

Jim Gaffigan 03.03.2018 03:03:03 337 quotes

I'm a big eater. I mean, a lot...

I'm a big eater. I mean, a lot of my stand-up is about food, and you write about what you know, and that's the only thing I know. I don't know anything else.

Jim Gaffigan 03.03.2018 03:03:03 337 quotes

My wife told me that in the Bi...

My wife told me that in the Bible, Abraham circumcised himself... wow! I can't even get to the bank before it closes.

Jim Gaffigan 03.03.2018 03:03:03 337 quotes

Comics write to their point of...

Comics write to their point of view. If you're an exceedingly irreverent comedian, you've got to see where that point of view fits or produces the most funny.

Jim Gaffigan 03.03.2018 03:03:03 337 quotes

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