According to a recent survey, ...

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

How would it be if we discover...

How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?

Republicans are calling the Bu...

Republicans are calling the Bush-Cheney ticket the 'Wizard of Oz' ticket. One needs a heart and the other needs a brain.

A Christmas tree--the perfect ...

A Christmas tree--the perfect gift for a guy. The plant is already dead.

With hurricanes, tornados, fir...

With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, 'Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

Kerry is saying that Bush neve...

Kerry is saying that Bush never showed up for his national guard duty ... and now Bush is on the attack. He's accusing John Kerry of ducking time in the national guard by hiding out in the jungles of Vietnam.

Political experts are saying t...

Political experts are saying the reason John Kerry is doing so well is because he's 'electable.' Hey, so was Al Gore - in fact, he even got elected and it didn't help him at all.

As we watched Judge Clarence

As we watched Judge Clarence
Thomas's Supreme Court confirmation
hearings, all of the commentators
said the same thing: 'One of these
people in the room is lying.' Do you
believe that? You've got two lawyers
and 14 senators in the room, and only
one of them is lying?

Jay Leno 03.03.2018 03:03:03 906 quotes

Gary Condit is on the Congress...

Gary Condit is on the Congressional committee for Homeland Security. They make the guy responsible for Homeland Security who is the guy no one would feel secure going home with.

The lead story on MSNBC was th...

The lead story on MSNBC was the news that there was nothing new to report in the Gary Condit story. So remember when there is nothing new to report, MSNBC will be the station not to report it first.

Here is your government at wor...

Here is your government at work. A congressman from Colorado said he wants to draft a rule that would make it unethical to have a sexual relationship with an intern. Only Congress would need a rule to tell them cheating on their wives is not ethical. Don't we have that rule? I believe it's called the Sixth Commandment.

You know what is interesting, ...

You know what is interesting, Condit is very conservative. He voted to post the ten commandments in schools. Yet, he himself broke the 11th commandment, 'Thou shall not put thy rod in thy staff.'

Yesterday Gary Condit spent th...

Yesterday Gary Condit spent the whole day attending an agricultural meeting. Boy, that's when you know a congressman's in real trouble: when he spends the whole day actually working.

That must be strange, cheating...

That must be strange, cheating on your wife with a flight attendant. They're in bed and she's says, 'In the event that wife should come home early please notice the location of the nearest emergency exit.'

You know, it shows how old I a...

You know, it shows how old I am. I can remember the good old days when the president picked the Supreme Court justices instead of the other way around.

It's cold out. It's even cold ...

It's cold out. It's even cold in Florida. So cold today that Katherine Harris put on a third layer of makeup.

Things have really changed her...

Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder.

Form 1040 was chosen by the IR...

Form 1040 was chosen by the IRS because for every $50 you earn, you get 10 and they get 40.

The Senate voted 97-0 for an a...

The Senate voted 97-0 for an anti-spam bill to stop those annoying things you get on your computer. The senators made it very clear that when you start misleading the American people and start taking their money over false promises, that's our turf, buddy!

As you may have heard, the U.S...

As you may have heard, the U.S. is putting together a constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? Think about it - it was written by very smart people, it's served us well for over two hundred years, and besides, we're not using it anymore.