Major league baseball has aske...
Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games, because they say fans fight over them and they get hurt. In fact, the Florida Marlins said that's why they never hit any home runs. It's a safety issue.
Bush said today he is being st...
Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst. That's the Secret Service.'
President Bush is taking the e...
President Bush is taking the entire month of August off. Bush said today he thinks it is important for a president to spend time away from Washington. Or at least that's what Dick Cheney told him.
Martha Stewart stuffed and roa...
Martha Stewart stuffed and roasted canaries and found they
could no longer sing.
Bush reiterated his stand to c...
Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.
Vice President Dick Cheney is ...
Vice President Dick Cheney is currently out in South Dakota on a three-day hunting trip. What better place for a man who has had four heart attacks than to be carrying a big gun and a backpack through the snow looking for red meat.
a Christmas tree .. the perfec...
a Christmas tree .. the perfect gift
for a guy... the plant is already dead
(monologue Dec 10 2003).
There is a penalty for trying ...
There is a penalty for trying to knock
down a cockpit door, but it's the people
who try to go from coach to 1st class
they really beat up.
The Supreme Court has ruled th...
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Today is Valentine's Day - or,...
Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!
The reason there are two senat...
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or ...
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Here's something to think abou...
Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
CNN found that Hillary Clinton...
CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.
For the first time ever, overw...
For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza!
The University of Nebraska say...
The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it - they're the ones falling down the most.
I went into a McDonald's yeste...
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'
If God doesn't destroy Hollywo...
If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
Major league baseball has aske...
Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games, because they say fans fight over them and they get hurt. In fact, the Florida Marlins said that's why they never hit any home runs. It's a safety issue.
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