David Letterman ,quotes

I vote Democrat because Freed...

I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.

David Letterman 10.08.2025 20:56:20 644 quotes

It's the first day of spring....

It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights.

David Letterman 10.08.2025 20:56:20 644 quotes

Everyone has this sense of to...

Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants.

David Letterman 10.08.2025 20:56:20 644 quotes

At the White House, they caug...

At the White House, they caught another fence jumper earlier today. It was Obama trying to get out.

David Letterman 10.08.2025 20:56:20 644 quotes

But I was thinking about this...

But I was thinking about this, the Obamas want to adopt a stray dog from the pound. And I think that is admirable. I believe the last president to bring a stray dog into the White House got impeached.

David Letterman 10.08.2025 20:56:20 644 quotes

Mitt Romney, two-time Republi...

Mitt Romney, two-time Republican presidential candidate, is going to fight Evander Holyfield for charity. I hope they save some of that money for funeral expenses.

David Letterman 10.08.2025 20:56:20 644 quotes

I have nothing against the No...

I have nothing against the North Koreans but this Kim Jong Un has got a screw loose. A member of his cabinet, his security minister, nods off, falls sleep. We've all done it. Kim Jong Un takes the guy out and has him executed, just for just falling asleep. Oh, and he was also deflating footballs.

David Letterman 10.08.2025 20:56:20 644 quotes

Way too much coffee. But if i...

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

David Letterman 10.08.2025 20:56:20 644 quotes

There was an interesting deve...

There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial.

David Letterman 10.08.2025 20:56:20 644 quotes

Jeb Bush has to distance hims...

Jeb Bush has to distance himself from what they call the Bush brand. So he keeps saying, 'I am my own man.' But when Governor Chris Christie is out on the campaign trail, he's always saying, 'I'm my own man, plus another guy.'

David Letterman 10.08.2025 20:56:20 644 quotes

This Hillary Clinton scandal ...

This Hillary Clinton scandal has to do with emails. All I get are emails for Canadian Viagra.

David Letterman 10.08.2025 20:56:20 644 quotes

You know, Sarah Palin is the ...

You know, Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska, you know that. And she's a lifelong member of the National Rifle Association. So great, is what I'm thinking, another vice president that shoots a drinking buddy; just get ready.

David Letterman 10.08.2025 20:56:20 644 quotes

To save energy, New York City...

To save energy, New York City is now dimming the lights of the skyscrapers and the skyline at night. There's a bad side to this. If you need Batman, you have to text him.

David Letterman 10.08.2025 20:56:20 644 quotes

Today is Earth Day. The way I...

Today is Earth Day. The way I see it, as humans the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of recycling is going on this year. For example, Bushes and Clintons.

David Letterman 10.08.2025 20:56:20 644 quotes

It's interesting what former ...

It's interesting what former presidents do when they leave office. Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. And if you want to be motivated, who better to turn to than the guy who invaded the wrong country and started a depression.

David Letterman 10.08.2025 20:56:20 644 quotes

There was an embarrassing mom...

There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush's military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots.

David Letterman 10.08.2025 20:56:20 644 quotes

John McCain said that Sarah P...

John McCain said that Sarah Palin is still a force in the Republican Party. Then he got in his car and backed over his mailbox.

David Letterman 10.08.2025 20:56:20 644 quotes

God forbid I should be the la...

God forbid I should be the last one to criticize, but I think may be Howard Dean has a bit of a problem because earlier today during a debate in New Hampshire, he bit off Joe Lieberman's ear.

David Letterman 10.08.2025 20:56:20 644 quotes

At the Apple store, the peopl...

At the Apple store, the people waiting in line for the iPhone 6 were trampled by the people waiting for the iPhone 7.

David Letterman 10.08.2025 20:56:20 644 quotes

You can't eat tomatoes becaus...

You can't eat tomatoes because they're tainted with deadly salmonella. First there was tainted lettuce. Now, tainted tomatoes. Who would have thought that the healthiest part of a B.L.T. would be the bacon?

David Letterman 10.08.2025 20:56:20 644 quotes

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