Craig Ferguson ,quotes

An 83-year-old male prostitute...

An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just talked about his grandkids.

Craig Ferguson 03.03.2018 03:03:03 394 quotes

The whole idea of re-releasing...

The whole idea of re-releasing old movies does bother me a little bit. If they're going to re-release an old movie, I should be able to get in with my old ticket.

Craig Ferguson 03.03.2018 03:03:03 394 quotes

Former president Bill Clinton ...

Former president Bill Clinton was elected on this very day in 1992. Clinton went on to leave quite a mark in the oval office... You mean the one on the sofa?

Craig Ferguson 03.03.2018 03:03:03 394 quotes

I dont know how to add things ...

I dont know how to add things to my own wikipedia page.

Craig Ferguson 03.03.2018 03:03:03 394 quotes

Change is the law of God's min...

Change is the law of God's mind and resistance to it is the source of all pain.

Craig Ferguson 03.03.2018 03:03:03 394 quotes

The 'Star Wars' movie is comin...

The 'Star Wars' movie is coming out. Disney has kept the details of the movie under wraps because they're not Sony.

Craig Ferguson 03.03.2018 03:03:03 394 quotes

The White House announced plan...

The White House announced plans to begin normalizing relations with Cuba - this as we're awkwardizing relations with Russia.

Craig Ferguson 03.03.2018 03:03:03 394 quotes

Things were very different bac...

Things were very different back in 1992. There was unrest in the Middle East, we had a gridlocked Congress, and everybody was talking about Bill Cosby.

Craig Ferguson 03.03.2018 03:03:03 394 quotes

Jeb Bush announced today on th...

Jeb Bush announced today on the Internet that he may run for president. The next presidential election could be Bush vs. Clinton. It will be like 1992 all over again except I won't be in rehab.

Craig Ferguson 03.03.2018 03:03:03 394 quotes

The Danes are causing a bit of...

The Danes are causing a bit of trouble. The kingdom of Denmark claimed the North Pole as their own. Hey, you can't just reach out and take something if you want it, Denmark. That's Russia's job.

Craig Ferguson 03.03.2018 03:03:03 394 quotes

Today Prince William went to W...

Today Prince William went to Washington, D.C., and he met with President Obama. He said, 'It feels weird being in the White House because I'm not an American.' And then Prince William said, 'Yeah, me too.'

Craig Ferguson 03.03.2018 03:03:03 394 quotes

The meeting with Prince Willia...

The meeting with Prince William took place at the White House because Prince William wanted to see where the president spent his days, but the golf course was covered in snow.

Craig Ferguson 03.03.2018 03:03:03 394 quotes

The rain is giving much needed...

The rain is giving much needed relief to California's crops. By that I mean 'marijuana.'

Craig Ferguson 03.03.2018 03:03:03 394 quotes

In Washington, the U.S. House ...

In Washington, the U.S. House passed a bill unanimously. Every single member of both parties voted for it. What was it? To deny Social Security benefits to Nazis. So from now on, no SS for the SS.

Craig Ferguson 03.03.2018 03:03:03 394 quotes

It is Veterans Day, when we ho...

It is Veterans Day, when we honor everyone who served in all of the campaigns. We honor them with dignity and respect, and of course mattress sales and tire discounts.

Craig Ferguson 03.03.2018 03:03:03 394 quotes

It is a great day for the grea...

It is a great day for the great state of Texas. The last person being tested for Ebola has come back clean. So Texas is now Ebola free. This was a big week for them. They're now free of Ebola - and Democrats.

Craig Ferguson 03.03.2018 03:03:03 394 quotes

Democrats in state legislature...

Democrats in state legislatures are at their lowest level since the 1920s. President Obama has a can't-miss strategy to save the party in 2016. He's leaving.

Craig Ferguson 03.03.2018 03:03:03 394 quotes

Director Oliver Stone says he'...

Director Oliver Stone says he's going to make a movie about Vladimir Putin. I can't believe anyone would want to work with that insane communist. And Putin is a little crazy as well.

Craig Ferguson 03.03.2018 03:03:03 394 quotes

Thank heaven Election Day is o...

Thank heaven Election Day is over. No more campaign ads, no more mud-slinging, no more candidates pretending they're straight. It's over!

Craig Ferguson 03.03.2018 03:03:03 394 quotes

Clay Aiken ran for Congress in...

Clay Aiken ran for Congress in North Carolina. But he didn't make it. Clay Aiken is famous for coming in second in a TV popularity contest that most people got fed up with years ago. He also lost on 'American Idol.'

Craig Ferguson 03.03.2018 03:03:03 394 quotes

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