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Joke number 1, I have a bit o...

Joke number 1, I have a bit of a problem with jokes, bit of a handicap for a comedian obviously, um, I tend to bail out of the joke, I lose commitment in it, I'll give you an example: Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

Bill Bailey 82 quotes

Contentment is knowing you're...

Contentment is knowing you're right

Bill Bailey 82 quotes

Yes. Yes, when we live our li...

Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say mother, where's the milk?"

Bill Bailey 82 quotes

I am Zebedee, lord of the woo...

I am Zebedee, lord of the woods! Bow down snail, I have dominion!

Bill Bailey 82 quotes

Talking of white supremacist ...

Talking of white supremacist violent types, I was in America, recently.

Bill Bailey 82 quotes

Stupid National Anthem... Loo...

Stupid National Anthem... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? "Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit."

Bill Bailey 82 quotes

At college, I felt frustrated...

At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time. I got into a theatre company and started doing stand-up gigs for cash, so I lived hand-to-mouth, but there was always enough to pay the bills.

Bill Bailey 82 quotes

American rock has a sort of s...

American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.

Bill Bailey 82 quotes

I think we've missed a trick ...

I think we've missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro... to catch whatever it is that's forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it's a bit of a long shot.

Bill Bailey 82 quotes

"God save our gracious Queen"...

"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers?

Bill Bailey 82 quotes

I'm English, and as such I cr...

I'm English, and as such I crave disappointment. That's why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.

Bill Bailey 82 quotes

Contentment is knowing you're...

Contentment is knowing you're right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.

Bill Bailey 82 quotes

Three blind mice walk into a ...

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.

Bill Bailey 82 quotes

I would never condone the bur...

I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars... I'm not bitter at all.

Bill Bailey 82 quotes

The scotch egg is such a Scot...

The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder.

Bill Bailey 82 quotes

Television is where you earn ...

Television is where you earn regular money so you can plan a little bit but even then only when you have a regular gig. If you're just doing the odd appearance, you don't know if it will carry on.

Bill Bailey 82 quotes

The BBC did a survey of the t...

The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die.

Bill Bailey 82 quotes

I know that to be a true fact...

I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine

Bill Bailey 82 quotes

The reason we'd stopped was t...

The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom. Whoever was charged with making the announcement momentarily lost all sense of procedure and we got this tantalizing glimpse into the chaos on the trains, and all we could hear was (bangs on microphone) "Gary, it's burning, what we gonna do?!" And everyone on the carriage just cheered, "Hooray! We're rubbish!"

Bill Bailey 82 quotes

Of course, uh, the universe i...

Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of entropy when all it's thermal and mechanical functions fail, thus rendering all human endeavors ultimately pointless. Just to put the gig in some sort of context.

Bill Bailey 82 quotes

Добрые, щедрые, великодушные: 6 советских актеров, которые были всеобщими любимчиками

23

Советских актёров часто ставят в пример как образец духовной силы, национальной гордости и внутренней красоты. Они стали символами эпохи, носителями культуры и нравственности. Но, как известно, за кул...

Десять кинозвезд, которые отлично поют

83

Актеры — люди творческие, но кто бы мог подумать, что некоторые из них скрывают прекрасный голос. В эпоху раннего Голливуда актеров с музыкальными способностями было немало — это считалось скорее норм...

Мэрилин Монро, Ким Кардашьян и другие

115

Неузнаваемая Ким Кардашьян в объективе фотографа Маркуса Клинко, 2009 год. Памела Андерсон в самой первой съёмке для журнала «Playboy», 1990. На фото голливудская актриса Dorothy Lamour и шимпанзе Джи...

Что стало с детьми-звездами: Рэдклифф и компания спустя годы

219

Расскажем, как сложилась судьба актеров, которые начинали сниматься еще в детстве.
Остаться на вершине в Голливуде удаётся не каждому, особенно если путь начался в детстве. Одни актёры теряются из-за...

Жизнь за границей: как изменились судьбы 7 уехавших телеведущих

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Два года назад отечественное телевидение столкнулось с беспрецедентной кадровой тектоникой — целая группа ярких и узнаваемых ведущих стремительно исчезла с экранов федеральных каналов. Эти лица долгие...

Кира Найтли, Деми Мур и другие

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Кира Найтли на страницах журнала к выходу фильма «Пиджак», 2005. Следы динозавра, раскопанные в русле реки Палакси. Техас. США. 1952г. Самая большая женщина рядом с самым маленьким мужчиной, 1922 год....